And a new day dawning

It's new year eve. So i'm lying flat on my tummy and the moo is playing game with his computer. In an effort to find a place to journal down my year end reflection, i came across this super old blog of mine. And reviving it I am, why not?

2017 is a year of many milestones for me: marriage, job and church. A year that i see God's faithfulness throughout the various life changes and a year of greater desire for Him and his glory.

The moo and i got married on 22 Jan 2017 at Coyote, a small Mexican restaurant at Tanglin road. It was my dream wedding, courtyard solemnization, alfresco dining, small groups of close friends and families, simple wedding dress, and DIY decor. There were many hiccups during the wedding, some were funny, others were not. Honestly speaking, i didnt really feel like a bride during my wedding cos Moo acted more like an event organizer, rather than a groom. If it sounds funny then that's not my intention. I was a bit sad about it actually, and it still affects me every now and then, especially when i go for friends' wedding. With 8 years of dating prior to marriage, i thought it wouldnt be too difficult. I thought i had known the moo inside out, all too well. For the past one year, i discovered many new things, about the moo, but even more about myself. I dont have much patience, my words are sharp, my emotions tend to get the better of me and my pride is always waiting to ambush me. After every fight or argument, i could say the same thing about the moo. That was when i realized how far I was from our perfect Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I'm still nowhere near, and my prayer each day is patience and loving kindness towards the moo. Submission is not easy for me, especially when i tend to think that i know it better. But i have to say that the moo has done a fantastic job in heading our moo household. He has never ceased to spur me on in serving God, in interceding for others with prayer, in working on evangelism and in lavishing on others the love of Christ. There could be some small things that the moo might miss out, but the biggest and the most important thing of a Christian husband, he has a good grasp of it. For that, i'm deeply grateful. I'm looking forward to 2018, another year of journey with the moo, of greater intimacy with each other, of greater alignment to the perfection of Christ, and even more fun with our Farmitat (now with the latest addition of Bear to the family)

Being married to the moo also means being married into his family. Surely, its the most complicated family i have ever encountered. I do agree with Jose (Moo's mentor) that it could beat even Korean drama. Papa is not an easy person to work with and be around but God has, through his illness, seemed to succeed in beef up his humility. To show love to him when he is super demanding, to gently but sternly remind him when his rudeness is over the top, or simply to come and visit him even after a long and tiring day of work, all of these are not easy for me. I had to fight moments when i felt like giving up, when the devil was spamming his lie "Why try so hard? He doenst even appreciate." But i know Christlike love is never easy, it comes with a cost, it entails sacrifice. The same for Mummy. I'm beyond blessed when Mummy treats me like her own daughter and does all the housework for the two nooby moo. I like the fact that we can shop online together, bake and cook together, and even exercise together. She might seem to be in a much better position compared to Papa but she has her own flaws. Sometimes, being around her is quite draining because of her distrust towards others. And i know that any kind of appreciation would fall short if we dont work our best to share with her and explain to her the gospel. The same goes for Papa and my parents. As both of us are the only Christians in our families, sometimes, we feel very burdened by the spiritual darkness in our family. Sometimes, i cried for hours when i think about my parents and my grandparents, not knowing for certain what will happen to them, feeling hopeless that i'm so far away. I pray that we will press on in praying for our family members and will really be ten thousand times more intentional in our sharing of the gospel with them. 

Naturally, after the moo found a job in Singapore (and yes, i'm super thankful for this perfect job that God gave the moo), i had to request for a transfer back to Singapore. The transfer process was smoother and faster than I expected. But what came after was a mini shock to me. I was thrown into an entirely new job scope, much less dynamic compared to what i did in Vietnam. From a star-performer who was always in the lime light, i was sort of demoted to an average senior executive, who handled research request from management and other teams. Some major adjustment had to be made, and i'm still adjusting i think. I complained to God. Slowly, it dawned upon me that so much of my identity had been attached my job and my status at work. I had been totally unaware, only to realize it once all was stripped away. I now know how easy it is for Christians in the workplace to be caught up in the rat race, to peg our worth to our accomplishments, and to find security in man's praises. This demotion is doing my soul a great favor, not that I dont need to strive for excellence in this new role (still struggling with many econs concepts and all). My prayer for 2018 is to be an effective witness for Christ in my workplace, at the same time, to put my talent to the best use for God's glory. 

My reflection is definitely not complete without mentioning my new church BA. I thank God everyday for such a church in Singapore, a church with teaching deeply grounded in the words, a church with a fervent spirit for evangelism, and a church with deep care and love among its members. This is the place where i'm challenged every week, to really pursue holiness and to live out the great commission daily. I do agree with the moo, its very hard to be a stagnant or lukewarm believer in BA, you have to be super thick skin and to be able to withstand an enormous amount of pressure. Such a wonderful description of a church. Because of the constant push that BA provided, my heart was willing to take up the ministry which I believed God prepared for me (outside of BA though). It is not an easy ministry, i really have no idea about why the girls choose such a career path. But i know they really really need the gospel. May God use me to bring the good news of salvation to these girls, to set them free from the bondage of sin and spiritual darkness. 

I'm excited for 2018, for a new home, for all the glorious things that God has in mind :)  

For another Moo

Dear God

Thank you for a new day in you and I am entrusting today into Your hands, like any other day, knowing that You would make it special, memorable and glorifying for Your kingdom. I just want to pray for KMMB. I had a talk with her yesterday. Honestly, I dont really understand fully how she feels, because I have never been in her shoes before. For that matter, I thank You for the blessing of having understanding parents. All I can say is I have a very vague grasp of the range of emotions that she has been going through with regard to this family situation. And no matter how vague I can be, I know for sure that it is extremely hard for her. I just pray that You help her to take it slowly, one step at a time. You help her to surrender this into Your hands and fix her eyes upon You. Once she is growing deeper in you, developing a more intimate relationship with you, and feeling overwhelmed with your love, the natural outflow of Your love will help her in loving, caring for and understanding her parents. For Jesus did not come to love only the loveable; he came to love us all, and all the more, the unloveable. So I believe we are called to do the same thing, but not with our own strength. I can imagine how hard it is to love someone who is unkind to me, who hurts and disappoints me, who does not make me feel loved, who is so close yet so far; it is impossible for human beings but not for You. But we are not to run on our fuel for no human effort is ever sufficient to run the race You have set apart for us. So I pray that with this perspective, KMMB will continue to pray for her parents, continue to ask you for bonus and strength, and most importantly, continue to dwell in Your love. So much that she will become a vessel of Your love in this unguided world.  

Maybe I should let her read this post :)

Pho for two dollars and food for thought

I just received a collection of short stories, published by a secondary school friend of mine. When I was browsing through it in school, MK pointed at the book and asked me: "What is this book about?". I told him it was my friend's first publication, a collection of her thoughts, feelings, and observation about life. And I translated the title into English for him, Journey through life on a bicycle. Not the best translation I thought, but surprisingly he seemed pretty impressed by it. He went on to ask me to translate some of the content, which I found really difficult given my poorly exercised Vietnamese. So I translated the titles of the short stories for him, such as "The different ways to enter someone's life", "The distance from Facebook to Life", "Another Hanoi within Hanoi". Such lousy translation did not prevent MK from seeing the true gem hidden within this book; he exclaimed: "Wow!!! Deep stuff!!!". And my automatic response was: "Of course, my friend is very deep! And she is very artistic as well!". At that moment, I felt truly proud, definitely not of my amateur translation work, also not so much of having such a talented friend, but more of my friend, yes, of my friend herself. 

I am so proud that she has grown to become such a sensitive, thoughtful, observant, and mature young lady. Someone who has a mind of her own and who speaks this mind with clarity, passion and conviction. Someone who treasures every single moment of her breathing living walking being. Someone who dreams and inspires others to dream on, despite suffocating realities. Someone who finds and creates beauty out of the seemingly mundanes of everyday life. Someone who knows how to love and receive love. Someone I truly admire.

I have finished half of the book. Some stories I already read on Facebook; others fresh encounters. Every single page is a window into her life, sometimes wide-open, sometimes more reserved; nevertheless, at all times authentic. Approaching life from various interesting perspectives, exploring a wide range of emotions, and surfacing thought-provoking questions which tend to be glossed over in this assuming fast-paced world, this has been such a read for me. I find myself among the pages: the me, the used-to-be me, the could-have-been me, the should-have-been me, the wanna-be me, and the never-gonna-be me. I find it compelling, not confronting because it challenges me to live differently, not imposing on me. 

Live a bit quieter, walk a bit slower, look a bit longer. 

Probably we will learn to love better and care deeper.

Ken asked me: "How much does your friend sell the book for?". "About two Sing dollars", I said. Having been to Vietnam recently and fallen head over heel with Vietnamese beef noodle, he made such a funny comparison: " Cheaper than a bowl of Pho!". 

I smiled at him and said: "Yeah, but this food for thought will go a long way!"

Yes, you, will go a long way, my friend. Stay Thu always! :))))

Into your arms, O Lord

It is 11 minutes to midnight here in Singapore, according to my computer's clock. It is usually this hour of the day that I feel a strange and overwhelming sense of alone-ness. Not loneliness. This acute sense of me and the world, of one single soul versus the vastness of this universe. Of dust and the One who created dust into His own image.
Today, I got to know Him a bit more. Nothing spectacular, nothing splendid, nothing big. Just a deep sense of peace, and a gentle voice. It was as if I walked into a deep forest, where even the slightest sound of falling leaf could be echoed so clearly. No fear, absolutely calm and composed. And the spirit of God was a breeze of gentleness, lightly sweeping across the forest and leading me deeper into the woods. That was when I knew for sure, something fundamental had been changed. For a long time to come, I will recall this moment with gladness and gratitude, for God has met me at the deep of my soul.
Back to Singapore, I am currently having quite a bit to juggle with. Thesis and job application. Opportunities abound but I just feel very keen on returning to Vietnam to work. The reason is simple: my parents, whom God has pointed out to me to be my ministry. Of course, staying in Singapore is a much easier option; but I just don't feel at peace with it. Even though, a friend of my brother highlighted to me some disadvantages of returning to Vietnam right upon my graduation, and his point was valid, I have to admit that I am not so much bothered about it. Firstly, who can tell the future? Secondly, it just seems that it's gotta be this way. I am still very much confused whether it is really God's voice or just noises. So I will continue to pray. Yet, different from just month ago, I am not bugged by anxiety this time. I just know that

Year 4 Syndrome

Recently, I have been thinking a lot about the future. To be more specific, what I am going to do with my life upon graduation. I am not excited, not at all. It is indeed very scary to me, going out of my comfort zone, facing the world and its load of uncertainty and temptation. I know that God will be with me through it all as He has always been. Still, I am nervous. 

At the same time, i know this is gonna be the best year of my uni life, with me feeling totally aligned to the ministry, making some new friends in my course, touching their lives, and being aware more than ever before of this very simple truth: God is so real.

Loneliness

A friend of mine said this “We are all lonely people, just different types of loneliness”. I don’t know if this statement is indeed true universally, but I do feel it sometimes. Even as a believer. How does one reconcile the presence of God with the loneliness that some of us often feel? Well, one doesn’t. Despite our continual acknowledgement of God on a daily basis, we can’t deny the absence of God, or rather the “perceived” distance of God. Needless to talk about the world. Even our best of friends can fail to be there for us in one way or another. For me, there are only two people on this earth that I can tell and probably will tell everything to; they are God and Moo. But I have learnt over the months to refrain from telling Moo certain burning issues in my heart for he is too easily impressed and hardly forgives. 

And the Mountains Echoed

It is the title of a book I just finished, 15 minutes ago? If the book is some sort of illness, I would have not recovered from it. If it is some sort of sadness, I am still dwelling, helplessly. I had the tendency to compare it with A Splendid Thousand Suns as they were from the same author. Yet, this is, at least for me, a haunting end, a finality with which I can't seem to make peace. I can't say it is a sad ending, they found each other, didn't they? Brutally honest, as the review says. Bogging down the fairy tale of the reunion is the weight of reality permeating from the fate of each and every character. It spells regret for Nabi, for Markos, for Idris. It spells disillusion for Nila. For Pari, yes both of them, and Abdullah, I cried the most, as I was supposed to I guess. The author best sums it up while describing the bridge in a French children song, and definitely more than just that, "Like it reached, tried to reunite with, the other side and fell short". Yes, the ending fell short. It is just like for many, or even for all of us, in one way or another, reality fell short of our hopes and dreams. But the beauty of life lies in that shortfall of reality, for no one and nothing can stop us from dreaming big and hoping beyond.

Perhaps the mountains echoed so that Abdullah and Pari can find each other, after decades and miles of separation? Perhaps the mountains echoed like how our parents' lives, their hopes and dreams, their fulfilment and disappointment, all have bearings on what sort of person we are going to be, what sort of lives we are going to lead? Perhaps the mountains echoed because tiny little details or narratives of this story, whose setting may be strangely distant to many of us as readers, may find resonance in our souls? 

Regardless, the mountains will echo ...